I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
