I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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