I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
