Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
