I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
