Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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