On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
