he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
