Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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