tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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