I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
