What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
