Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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