Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
