I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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