Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
