maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
