Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i now understand why vodka
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
