why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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