She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
