I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
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