I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
