He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
