This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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