i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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