I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
even my farts smell like vagina
no you cant smoke seaweed
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
