I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
