I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
