My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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