His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
