I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
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We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
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An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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