Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
