I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
