Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
