My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
