Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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