I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize