I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
