She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
