Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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