My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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