I need to stop coming to work sober
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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