just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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