Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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