it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
