I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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