I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
