I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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