Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
