I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
