Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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