i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
