The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
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As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
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There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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