she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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