she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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