we're chasing vodka with high fives
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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